I’m pregnant but it’s okay because the girls are both in school in the mornings. Hahahahaha. I am smug.
The word on the streets and the Chinese Whisper (gettit?) is that China has the flu or something, who actually gives a shit? They’re a million light years away!
More people have the Chinese flu, apparently it’s been spread by some bat eating twats in Wuhan (not you Xing Xong – you’re my friend and I know for a fact you don’t like bats). FACT
Boris the albino porcupine (no offence to any real-life albino porcupines) goes on the news confidently to say that everything is under control. 2 weeks later, Boris and his porcupine hair appear rather twitchy arsed on the news to say schools may or may not be closing. But they might. But they also might not be.
Teachers all over the country cry. Parents shit their pants.
FFS Boris, just tell us, we need to know whether to cancel our very expensive princess/paw patrol themed kids parties. We even had Bob from next door coming dressed as Elsa. FFS Boris, we need to let Bob know! He’s bought the fancy dress and everything.
Schools get closed. Parents all over the country are now home-schooling. Said parents drink wine. It’s surprisingly difficult to keep a 2 metre distance from their wine glasses. They ordered the wine glasses yesterday. Apparently the VID gets everywhere. It’s on parcels, the amazon prime man, shoes, vans, you name it. IT’S FUCKING EVERYWHERE. YOU’RE PROBABLY GOING TO DIE. You seriously hope the wine glass factory people were wrapped up in masking tape and had black bags over their heads whilst they packed it for you. You take the hit anyway. The risk is worth it. Fuck it, you need the wine.
Do we need to wear masks Boris? And serial killer gloves? Yes or No? Yes? No? Boris? Boris? Boris, the poor bugger doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going. His arse is so twitchy.
You go to the shops, whilst you’re there you buy ALL the bread, ALL the eggs, ALL the flour and ALL the toilet roll. Fuck it, you might aswell send some to your aunty in New Zealand. She’s unprepared for the shitstorm that’s about to unravel. PEOPLE NEED TO WIPE THEIR ARSES. You see all the news stories about the hoarders. Such twats. You realise you are said twat when you clock your 486 rolls of toilet roll. You are smug. Fuck you non-hoarders, meanwhile you can wipe your arse in luxury until 2028. Have some of that!
You bake enough banana bread to feed the entire school, except the bastard school isn’t open.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT cough in the supermarket or even attempt to clear your throat. If looks could kill, you’d be dead. If you need to clear your throat, make sure you’re on aisle 28, in between the nappies and the peanut butter. Boris says that’s’ okay. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
The entire country, even your grandad, are walking like they’ve shit their pants. THANK YOU JOE WICKS YOU FUCKING LEGEND.
Boris didn’t take his own advice, he forgot which aisle he was meant to be in, caught the VID and he’s now on deaths door.
You’ve made it through an entire month of home-schooling. You now have ten bellies, eight chins and a lard arse. Who gives a fuck? You haven’t changed your clothes for an entire month.
You see rainbows wherever you go and your new socialising is a Thursday night clap and a trip to Sainsbury’s. Rock and fucking roll.
Boris tells us to “STAY ALERT, CONTROL THE VIRUS, SAVE LIVES” Well finally some fucking clarity. When you’re walking down the street, ensure you keep your eyes peeled, if you’re alert enough to see the virus, for fuck’s sake, hide behind a tree. SAVE LIVES.
Boris, the poor bugger says to go to work, but not to go to work. But go to work if you can travel by Pigeon on a Wednesday night between the hours of 3-5 wearing a blue anorak. Don’t go if you don’t have a pigeon. You’ll catch the VID. STAY AT HOME YOU FUCKING TWATS.
You can only meet your family in the supermarket, McDonalds, or Chessington World of Adventures. DO NOT, I Repeat DO NOT, let them into your house. YOU WILL DIE
Beer gardens re-open, everyone sticks twelve fingers up to Boris and socialise in packs bigger than wolves. Word on the street is you can soon travel abroad. Everyone hits up Marbs & Ibiza or they go to Bognor Regis. NO MORE HOME-SCHOOLING. You no longer have to pretend you’re an extra from art attack.
Kids are feral. Parents count down the weeks until school starts, but feel sad in equal measure that they will no longer get screamed at for 15,000 snacks a day.
Everyone uploads pictures of their adorable offspring in new school uniforms with crying emoji’s. The feelings are real. Everyone has bought so much school uniform only to discover they will now be living in PE kit. Fuckity fuck fuck.
LOCKDOWN YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING AWESOME.
Never mind…..Boris is on the news with his twitching arse again but he only has one chin. HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING OUT BORIS? YES Boris? No? He still doesn’t know but apparently we’re heading back into social bubbles soon.
Don’t mix with your families if you have 7 people, choose your least favourite child and hide them in a bush. Send them to school with 30 other children though and make sure they lick the child to their left. That’s fine…….
Thanks Boris, it’s all so very clear.
Love The Exhausted Mum xxx
PS – What else would you add to this snapshot? Let me know in the comments below!