8am – Wake up dribbling into the pillow. What day, week and year is it? Wednesday, first day of home-schooling in lockdown number 2 in the midst of a global pandemic. Bloody fantastic.
8-8.30am – Negotiate with two princesses on what outfits are acceptable for the day.
After umpteenth shout outs for them to get their underwear on “JUST CHOOOOSE SOME KNICKERS, IT DOESN’T MATTER IF THEY HAVEN’T GOT FROZEN ON THEM – HURRY (THE FUCK) UP” Of course, I don’t actually swear – only under my breath, it’s time to actually put some clothes on.
I inform Kaia that a bridesmaids dress isn’t needed for the day and tell Gia that she can’t wear pink leggings with a red top. They are both fuming. Both want their nails painted and hair in different styles (before changing their minds 100 times). They don’t have their nails painted, I tell them the nail varnish is downstairs “Stop lying mummay” is what I get from Gia.
I tackle Aleia who has started doing the worm up her changing mat and wrestle the small octopus into her outfit. She’s laughing at me as I do it. It’s like she knows I don’t know what day it is.
8.30am – Stick the girls in front of their iPad to have breakfast so they can watch their home-school videos whilst Aleia starts screaming for milk. Such a shame they can’t hear their videos. I only post the video of them listening intently.
9.30am – The girls happily do their school work with a bit of yelling and swearing (under my breath) “JUST WRITE A 5, it’s easy, just like this, do you see?” I get a drawing of a love heart and a question about how babies are made. Eventually, I get a 5.
10am – Girls go out on a winter trail with Nanna T, I run around making the beds and cleaning the mess from the morning. WHAT EVEN IS THIS LIFE? I then make some cardboard skittles for Gia’s maths challenge.
11am – Gia returns all geared up for her maths challenge. I explain the rules to her. You start with 10, then whatever you knock down, you take that number away and write down the sum of what you’re left with. “Do you see?” She assures me she does. First go (she knocks down 3)
“Gia, how many did you knock down?”
“3 mummy”. Good girl.
“So how many are you left with Gia?” “12?”
“Don’t guess Gia, count them” (she counts them in a hurry) “8?” FML
I only post the videos of her doing it well (after eighteen practises) and not before I consider cracking open the wine at 10am. I remember I am on a health kick. Shit.
Midday – LUNCHTIME AT THE ZOO. Aleia whinges for her nap. Aleia also deposits small amounts of love (waterfalls of vomit) anytime you go near her. It’s her thing. I stink all day, but I couldn’t care less, neither could the nanny. We’re buzzing.
Afternoon – Actually manage to get out for a walk. I AM FREE. Phone all my friends reminiscing about holidays and getting smashed. It’s freezing. Glad I dressed up like an eskimo.
The girls trash the playroom. Kaia refuses to be known as Kaia. We must now all call her “Belle” she has been dressed up as Belle for approximately a week. The Exhausted Dad is the beast apparently and she never EVER slips out of character.
“Kaia, can you please tidy up the mess you’ve made?”
“No, I’m not Kaia, I’m Belle”
I find myself saying, “Sorry Belle, can you tidy up the mess?”
“Since you asked so nicely mummy, yes I will. Where’s the beast? In his study?” I chortle.
Dinner and bathtime are as chaotic as ever, despite the nanny being here today too.
6.30pm – Put the girls in their own beds to find them laughing hysterically half an hour later in Gia’s bed totally ignoring whatever I say to them
“Kaia, get in your own bed” “NOOO”
“Gia, I’m not going to ask you again…1…2….3” (both of them laugh hysterically at me and don’t move). I leave them there. They’ve won. I have no power here.
7.30pm – Phone my friend “Worm”
‘Worm’ – “Hallo?” (I assume she is putting on an accent)
Me – “Err hallo, why you talk like meerkat?” (Glance at phone to realise I have in fact, called the polish builder) In my panic, I just hang up. Surprised something didn’t twig earlier when a man answered the phone. I am mortified.
10pm – Go to bed (late for me) and lie there thinking about everything that is totally irrelevant. Still awake when The Exhausted Dad comes to do the late feed at 11.30pm.
3am – Aleia’s next dream feed. I hear the floor boards creaking downstairs. My heart rate accelerates and I open the door. It’s only The Exhausted Dad with a syringe of Nurofen. Phew.
“Jesus why are you opening the bedroom door standing there looking like the white walker you scared the living daylights out of me?”
“I thought you were a burglar”
“Well what were you going to do even if it was a burglar, scare them away with your pale face? Gia has growing pains again so she needs medicine.”
I shut the door and feed Aleia. She doesn’t even rouse and is back in her bed within 15 minutes.
My mind races, I start reading the news and googling everything under the sun such as….”How to make a penis birthday cake” (don’t even ask!) There’s some really interesting designs if you happen to google that btw.
Eventually fall back to sleep at 5.30am. Aleia wakes at 6am. The whole day starts again.
What day is it?
So….if you see me posting all my smug learning videos on Instagram, remember this is only a snapshot of my day and whilst it may look like I’ve got my shit together….I totally haven’t. Has anyone? So….. Even if you only manage one thing today – that’s a bloody win!
Good Luck everyone, you got this.
Love The Exhausted Mum xxx